Oh, what a horrible, wretched soul you must be. Let’s be clear here: I’m a firm believer in karmic retribution. You will get what is coming to you. Be it tomorrow, next week, or years down the line, you will bear the full consequences of your actions. I am not a dispenser of retribution. Your own sorry, twisted life will serve as the means of delivery for that.

With that out of the way, you stole a piece of me today. I’ll get over you breaking into my garage with me upstairs, in broad daylight on a Saturday afternoon to take my bike. In Piedmont, no less. I’ll get over the Habanero road and mountain bikes that you also decided to take from me. My wife will get over her Giant Allegre, which you stole as well. I’ll probably get over the fact that you stalked me, followed me home from a ride, and then committed multiple felonies just out of earshot.

However I will never get over my Moots Compact SL that you took from me today. Cycling isn’t just something that I do for kicks. It’s a part of me. It’s my passion. It’s something that has brought me my closest of friends, sent me to the deepest of physical lows, rocketed me to the greatest of mental highs, and I’ve loved every minute of it. And as it turns out, the frameset was my wedding present from my wife. So heed my words when I say that this is fucking personal. I am not playing around here at all.

You must be seriously retarded because how do you think you will be able to sell my bike? This isn’t some mass produced Trek we’re talking about here. There aren’t that many of them out there and it will be found sooner or later. At that point, it had damn well better be in one piece.

And one more thing. Fuck you.

For everyone else out there, please be on the lookout for these four bikes:

1. Moots Compact SL 56cm with Shimano Dura-Ace 10
2. Habanero Team Issue 56cm with Shimano Dura-Ace 9
3. Habanero hardtail MTB 17″ with a Marzocchi X-Fly 80 fork and Shimano XT
4. Giant Allegre 48cm with Campy Veloce

Anyone spotted with these bikes should be severely beaten.